Happiness

There comes a time for at least some of us when we realize that we are genuinely happy. Let me explain. I have suffered from depression for a lot of my life. Between the ages of 9 and 11 were what I call the triggering events. Middle school was not kind to me (as with anyone who goes through it) but for some reason what everyone else goes through hit me very hard. I don't know that bullying was that much worse for me at the school I was at or if I was more sensitive to it than others but at some point I started being something else and did not begin to mend until I was out of the school I was in at the time.
 At the age of 12 I started going to school at a private school where I could not be ignored (small schools means all the teachers know exactly who you are, who you hang out with, just how crazy you are acting and all that) I did flourish at this school and am glad I went but I don't know that I made any lasting relationships (ok there is one kid 4 years my junior who I still friend on facebook.) I was involved in the school but I don't know if I had really regained the ability to express myself.
 My first year of college met with a relapse that was one of the darkest times of my life (having real adult depression is probably the thing that put those middle school years into perspective.) Suddenly going to a large university made things much harder to deal with. I stopped interacting with people I realized I was dependent on sleep aids and probably the worst moment was when I slept through an entire snow day without realizing that no one else was at class or leaving the dorms.  According to my mother at around Easter I broke down and said I need help. I don't remember this rock bottom moment at all but I dropped out of school and started seeing a counselor.
  While I was seeing my counselor I was still hanging out with a group of friends I met at UNL (I lived about 50 miles away but I made time to go to Sunday role playing.) Years later I am still closer to these people than almost any other friends I have ever had. At the same time I was looking for work and going through school. I started with a 2 week stint at Jimmy Johns (no really they ended my shift 2 weeks after hiring me) and then started lifeguarding at a YMCA. I spent the next two years at a job that professional courtesy allows me to only say sucked. Now this is not a burn on Y's in general. I grew up going to a YMCA and my brother now works for the one I was working at at the time. But factors caused this to be an awful time for me. But after 2 years I left and went back to UNL.
  I got more involved with the Sci-fi club and met more wonderful people in this group. Three of whom would later be my room mates at different times.  However my current room mates were less than perfect. And my studies were also sub par. I was on academic probation and with my grades what they were it soon turned into academic suspension.
  One may see this as a new low and possibly it is but for me this is where things started to get good.  I got another life guarding job that was wonderful, paid well and worked with the hours I wanted. I kept going to Lincoln to see my friends and I went to classes at the local community college that I passed with flying colors.
  A year and a half later I applied to re enter UNL and I got in. I think this was the moment. I found myself in a position where what I was doing felt right. And that's when I noticed it. In the past I was floating aimless and more importantly in a sort of fog.  I had tried to seem happy I had tried to be what was needed for me to be but it wasn't the same. Of course there were good times but overall there was this veil that seemed to separate me from the idea of being ok. I can't really explain it but I know other people who have been through depression describing something similar. A recent anecdote that drives this point home for me is that I was talking with one of my friends who was around at the time I was just joining Sci-Fi club. We were talking about how I used to act back at that time and he said something along the lines of "All I remember is you always seemed so sad" this was a pretty big blow because I was sad. I was not doing well but man was I trying not to show it. I know now that at that point in time I was not ready to trust anyone with knowing me because I was convinced that they would only see this hollowed out horrible thing that I was. Thankfully this was after the miraculous realization of happiness and I was able to shrug it off to some degree.
 So I noticed, I was happy. The best part is it keeps growing. I know people who I can let myself be me around. This was a huge step for me as I said in the previous paragraph. I still cry from time to time. I still stew on things I shouldn't stew on and I still sometimes let things get to me. But I see life with a clarity that I don't think I did for many years. And when I go to bed at night I don't cry myself to sleep, except when terrible things happen... things that I am not ready to talk about yet. And I am able to get past them. Hell even when I look in the mirror and know I need to lose weight I don't think, I'm a fatty who can't do anything right I think, I can totally do this. And you know what, I totally will.